Disclosure – I have friends that are members of the LDS Church. They’re very nice people, and this post is not a comment on religion. This just so happens to be the religion that is commented on in this post.
How I Pissed off the LDS
A friend gave me a copy of the “The Book of Mormon”
To open my mind, to give me a new perspective.
It was a little blue book.
I thanked him.
I read the book.
I put the book on a shelf.
I forgot about the book.
The years passed, the book gathered dust and I needed to move.
Vamanos, if you will.
So the book went into a garage sale
(I don’t discriminate religions, a bible went into the garage sale too).
I can’t stand having people go through my crap,
And my wife is better at driving a hard bargain,
For the cracked tub that was supposed to hold popcorn,
Because the explosive lettering on the side tells me so,
Though we never put anything but dust in that damn thing.
Since I couldn’t bear to watch someone judge me by going
Through my old Motely Crue cassette tapes, I went to work.
But the fun just started.
My wife, dear and lovely, and not convinced my foosball table
Was worth $500, did her wifely duty, and got rid of shovels and rakes,
Books and dishes. Baby Clothes, Adult clothes, couches, TV’s etc.
Shit upon shit, if you’ll excuse my French.
Until one lady, holding a pair of dull and rusted hedge clippers
Began to hover
Around the bargain book bin.
My wife, busy with another “customer” interested in our crystal butter dish,
Kept an appraising eye. Those were really dull hedge clippers.
Butter dish gone, .15 cents richer (seriously, at what point in time did they take the cent sign off of typewriters, word processors, keyboards, and cell phones?)
The woman was still hovering, but now with a book in hand.
Remember, my wife is the innocent bystander.
Garage sale beauty queen.
“Why are you selling this?”
The little blue book, still clinging to the years of dust,
Shoved too close to my wife’s nose.
She sneezed, or for this tale, I imagine she sneezes,
So it’s real to you.
“I don’t know, it was my husbands.
What do you think about those hedge clippers though?”
Always driving a hard bargain.
“Why would he get rid of this? This is an important book.”
I hate people. My wife loves people.
Where my soul is black and sticky,
Hers is bright and sticky. Mine sticky with dead stuff.
Hers sticky with sugar and kindness.
But after 15 years of trying to keep her soul clean, a little bit
Of the black rubbed off.
Return to the garage sale.
This bitch…. My wife thinks incredulously, wondering if she just thought it,
Or I added it to the poem,
To let the reader know
This lady was a realllllll bitch.
“Yeah, my husband, he’s a real loose cannon.”
It’s true, she’s not lying.
“So you’re trying to sell this book of faith for 15 (c with a vertical line through it)?”
She didn’t say that part about the vertical line. There just isn’t a cent symbol for the letter set for my printing press.
“Yeah, but I’ll give it to you for a nickel with those clippers.”
I love this woman.
This was not the response the holier than thou woman
With an acute need for trimming the hedges and an
Exaggerated need for compassion, as surely demonstrated by Joseph Smith,
For those of us who mistakenly put our book of Mormon in the
Garage sale where the holier than thou can find it.
Next time we’re making a book bin and labeling it
“For the Not-Holier-Than-Thou Only.”
Josephine Smith looked longingly at the hedge clippers,
Guiltily at Joseph Smith,
And angrily at my wife.
“I’m not buying anything from you.”
A reallllll bitch, this one was.
She stormed off leaving my wife with the book, the dust
the clippers, and the disappointment of not closing the deal.
Did I mention I love this woman?
My wife sets the clippers aside, hoping that
After looking into a magic hat, the lady would
Come back and buy those rusty, old, decrepit clippers
And tossed joseph smith back to the bargain book bin.
An ice cream ball, not an actual ball of ice cream,
But a ball that you put cold ice cream in, roll it around,
And take out warm milk, was sold. Don’t ask me how. My wife is pretty amazing.
Despite her best efforts, that foosball table was too nice
For any of the white trash that came to go through my trash.
Bam. Out of the blue. I’m sure it was a
Gorgeous blue Missouri sky,
The Bride of Joseph Smith returned.
Car idling at the end of the driveway, obviously in a hurry.
In my wife’s head,
In a half sprint, half not a sprint, she slid into the bargain book bin
Which had been cleaned out pretty well.
And sighed a huge breath of relief,
Blowing more dust off the blue book.
“I didn’t feel right leaving it here. Someone should get
Good use out of it.”
God bless my wife, “And the clippers?”
The lady threw the 15 $/100 at my wife, and sped away like she’d robbed a bank.
While picking up the nickel and dime, my wife noticed the bible was still in the
Bargain book bin.
So 1 point for the Mormons. Where you at Jesus Freaks?
My wife, turned to put the 15₵ (if you got to ‘insert’ ‘symbol’ you can put in something called a cedi) in our Garage Sale safe deposit box,
She heard a lovely old voice ask,
“How much for the clippers?”
Full Disclosure. I’m sure the lady was very nice.